Coming Out of the Closet  Casson Style
by RicardianScholar Clark-Weasley
Summary: Saffy has an announcement to make that causes chaos in the Casson kitchen. Wild!Eve, Flustered!Bill, Ill!Indigo, Perverted!Tom and Innocent!Rose. warnings, some mentions of incest from Eve's wild days


**Author's Note: a birthday present to Ellie, Happy Birthday! **

The Cassons were having a family meeting in the kitchen again. This meant that Caddy and Michael were trying to prevent the twins from getting into potential death related accidents (they have recently learnt how to walk and Caddy has suddenly remembered what Rose was like at that age), Buttercup was chewing on a crayon (or whatever new art supply Rose has left on the table), Indigo, David and Tom were banging on the table trying to find a new beat (they were all taking a gap year to become famous), Sarah was cheerfully chatting to Rose, Bill looked nervous, Eve was daydreaming about the peace of her shed and unexpectedly, Saffy was nervous as Bill.

Bill, pale and rather agitated, shouted, "Will you lot be quiet?"

The noise stopped and everyone turned to look at him. The twins stopped struggling and Buttercup dropped the crayon knowing that Granddad hated it when he ate the art stuff.

"What's up Mr C?" Tom asked, enjoying the idea of tormenting Bill ever since Bill made a stupid comment about him freeloading earlier in the year.

"Yeah, Bill, why are we all here?" Sarah asked a little tetchy since she had a huge essay due in next week and Saffy has been no help at all.

"Well...actually...I didn't call for this meeting, this time-" "First time ever," someone muttered darkly and Bill promptly ignored the rude little whatsist who might or might not have been his own son. "- Saffy did, apparently she has something very important to tell us all."

Everyone turned to look at Saffy apart from Rose who looked down at her empty plate and groaned. She was hungry and really didn't need a meeting to hold up dinner.

"It's...complicated," Saffy half growled making David look away in fear. "I'm not sure how to tell you this."

"I usually find short, easy sentences to be the best," Tom drawled. "Especially when you're trying to tell someone to f -" Caddy and Michael coughed loudly while indicating to their innocent (for now, knowing their luck one of Caddy's insane relatives will corrupt them) children. "- err get lost." Tom amended.

Saffy gave him her best glare that only caused him to grin at her. She sighed and gave up, this was the guy that was in love with Rose (not that either really knew it or would admit it) of course she wouldn't scare him. It would take Grandma Casson doing a strip tease to scare him and even then he would turn it around to something amusing.

"Take your time, Saffy," Indigo said soothingly.

"Right...well...you see..." she took a deep breath and reminded herself that this was just like ripping off a plaster, fast and painless. "I like girls." She blurted out.

Everyone blinked.

"I'm a lesbian." She said louder.

There was a loud thump as David slumped out of his chair into faint. Everyone but Indigo ignored it as Indigo jumped out of his chair to make sure David hadn't hit his head hard.

"Oh, how wonderful!" Caddy declared cheerfully. "I knew some lesbians and they were far happier than any straight woman. I hope you live a happy life with the right woman."

"Aren't you happy?" Michael asked, looking a little...well unhappy himself.

"Of course I am Michael darling but not all women have a man like you to satisfy their needs."

"Too much information, far too much. Please we all like to pretend Buttercup and the twins were giving to you by the stork," Sarah said cheerfully before turning to Saffy. "I know I'm gorgeous and all but honey I don't swing that way. Indigo is enough Casson for me in that area, so hands off and find someone else as equally gorgeous, intelligent and witty as me."

Saffy rolled her eyes. "It's not all about you. God knows that our friendship can hardly survive your over-large ego, a relationship with you would mean I have to kill you."

"Love you too, babe," Sarah said cheerfully, completely unfazed. "So the Spanish essay-"

"I-I-I-you-girl-les-I-oh-ah-Saffy Darling!" Bill spluttered. "I am as you know an artist," everyone groaned apart from Rose who was eating a sandwich she made during the chaos. "And as an artist, I am very open and tolerant to such differences other people have. I'm glad you felt comfortable to tell us about your sexuality and I must remind you that most families wouldn't be as tolerant as I am."

"Bill you used that speech before," Saffy said, her eyes narrowing.

"No I haven't!"

"Yes you have, you used it for when I got my nose stud, when Indigo decided to take a gap year, when Caddy came home with a baby out of wedlock and also when Rose said she wanted to join a nudist colony."

"I find clothes very restricting to art," Rose said as she swallowed her last bit of her sandwich.

Tom had a perverted smug look on his face and was about to say something when Michael, Indigo, Bill and Saffy said in perfect unison (which proves this has happened far too many times to count); "Don't even think about it!"

Tom looked up at them innocently, though none of them but Rose was fooled. "All I was going to say is I fully support Saffy unlike her father."

Bill glared at Tom. "Darling," Eve said, "I don't know why you're causing such a big fuss. You used to love it when I kissed another girl in front of you, especially if it was Linda. In fact, didn't we all have that threesome together once?"

Indigo turned a pale sickly green colour. "I think I'm going to be sick,"

"Eve, isn't that incest?" Saffy asked feeling another headache coming along (they were so regular that she just knew when one was about to start).

"Not at all Saffy Darling, it was only kissing and such. Bill got all the action."

A loud retching sound could be heard but that didn't put Rose off from making another sandwich.

"Wow, Saffy would you do that for me with Sarah?" Tom asked jokingly.

"Only if you want to be torn into pieces," Sarah snarled.

"Die," was all what Saffy said.

"Eve Darling, I beg of you, don't say such things in front of the children-"

"Pub, a nice, quiet pub with a large pint and where this conversation is only going on in my head," Michael muttered to himself quietly as Caddy was distracting the children.

Eventually everyone quietened down, Bill looked embarrassed, Tom looked a little terrified, Caddy had disappeared to sort out the children, Michael was fully stuck in his fantasy of the pub, Sarah and Saffy were fuming, Eve was back to daydreaming, Indigo was no longer throwing up (he should have never eaten that dodgy hot dog that Tom brought him), David was still out cold on the kitchen floor and Rose was eating her sandwich.

After a full five minutes of silence Rose asked the one thing that had been stuck on her mind since Saffy's announcement.

"What is a lesbian?"

The chaos started up again.


End file.
